sv4649 | Life before our eyes

Yesterday I went to a medical clinic, to seek a 3rd opinion on my health.
While waiting (which were too many hours) an old lady feeling very bad came. Accompaniex with 2 of their offspring. The woman knew the medical history. The son didnt. Poor woman didnt had strenght, to take her pulse nurses had to maneuver her arms and body.
A couple of children passed by and my heart felt heavy. Is as if life was passing infront of her (and my) eyes.
The daughter was the one put to look at the mother for her medical history and to give her company in the middle of the diagnosis.
A scene that I'm to familiar with. Daughters are always relegated to that role, no matter how many sons the parents had, strong & healthy. Is the daughter who has to look up for them, even in exhange of her own health, needs and family.

My apointment didnt go well either. My health anxiety prevented me to start sexual activity "too early", and still, seems that I have HPV. And No answers regarding my Urinary Track area. I bit my hand the whole time to dustract from the pain and I left some scars. My husband tried to reassure my by holding my hand. But honestly, my anxiety was terrible, heart pounding up to my ears, could not pay any attention to the doctor walking me through it.

Will have to undergo a biopsy under anestesia. I am terrified, could not sleep, and If I did sleept anxiety nause woke me up too many times during the night, cold sweat, the usual symptoms of an episode of health anxiety. What hurts me the most is the amount of money this will cost. I feel like a parasite with my health issues, taking away resources from everyone. Already cried this morning, but with no reliefe whatsoever.

Death is both a fear and a solution to me. I am afraid of it, I want more time, terrified of the agony one must undergo before closimg our eyes and at the same time askimg for it while in my depest depressive state. With a mindset of "If it will come, please let it be quick and end my psychological and physical agony already".

I can't eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t laugh. I can’t enjoy sex, as it is painful. Nothing.

Human existence is quite terrible. I might sound quite egoistic, but i’d wish my suffering was only psychological instead of physical. Now is two, I have two bear both.
I have shown to bear with depression quite more easily without the physical illness aspect at my young age. But illness has crushed my spirit and the will to live alot worse. The idea of old age is absolutely tormenting me, it means that worse illness has yet to come, worse quality of life, more pain, agony. Loneliness.

Wish my mother understood why I dont want children. First, I am emotionally immature, I dread the day for when my child has to grow up with a dysfunctional, always in pain mother. The amount of psychological damage this might do to children might be awful. I dont want that on my child.
Second, the earthly experience is terrible. What love could I provide that will outweight the horrors of this world and its inminent biological deterioration on their body. None. The greatness of the world does not outweight our desire to never leave. We dont want to leave. Its an illusion. Transitory. Barely a taste of sweetness in the midst of bitterness.

I find it unfair that I cannot fully enjoy the wonders of the universe. A mere speckle in time that will be forgotten. But I remember, the millions that came before me, in my heart. The nameless faces I remember them every night. The crowded stadium, echoes of their sounds as they lived on my brain. I love you, as you loved others.