sv4649 | I am glad I started journaling on 2024

Due to my constant episodes of thanatophobia, very well triggered by new conditions on my body, I decided to take up on journaling again.

The first time i started journaling was like, 2008, seems that my mother bought me an interactive book that came with a mini-notebook to use as a summer diary. And I did, sort of.

Then, in 2009 or 2010, I started again, in an agenda I borrowed without permission from my step-father, who didn't respected my privacy, mocked me and took action to not let me go out and socialize with my crush at the time. I destroyed this journal. I regret it. This damaged my trust.

The third journal that I started on a pretty, good quality green school notebook was very much focused on my husband, then online-friend and how I navigated school and an online long distance relationship. I was able to conceal it for a long time, until my paranoia finally won and I destroyed this journal aswell. I regret it.

After that green journal, I stopped on this hobbie. I didn't trust my family, who on the upcoming years keept invading my privacy countless of times, my facebook account constantly monitored and ided by gossip of family members I had to delete from my friend-list.

By 2019 I was done. I decided to not have a "traditional" social-media account. So I deleted my facebook account, trying to also, download my pictures from years of it. Sadly I lost them, I dont know what happened. They got corrupted in my external hard drive or something, no idea.

By this point, the only person outside my family I bonded with was my husband. Never had any luck on friendships and they never lasted.

It does affect, you know, the loneliness, and I did cried several times due to lack of friendships.
At this point I have moved on, the feeling no longer exists and the sadness has washed away but, I am also unable to seek again more friendships.

I mean, I can talk to people, adapt to conversations and extend contact for a few more days where I can do some gifts to make the other person comfortable. But to me, that is not friendship, that is an acquantaince, someone familiar, there is not enough trust to properly sit down and share mutual human experiences or joy.

I don't know what proper friendship is, just an idea of what it could be, because never experienced it. It affects my writing, I admit it. It affects how I write friendships and diverse relationships on my projects, can't help it.

So by 2024, the new friend that come to me was a journal. I was in the middle of an episode of PVCs, most probably due to the extreme stress and anxiety of my life events at the time, which made anxiety worse and evolved into another thanatophobic episode.

At first my logic was to write so I leave something to my husband, being forgotten, being a nobody, having no one that would mourn or grieve me but my husband was kinda adding to the existential crisis. Another obstacle was that I have never concluded any project, not a single fanfic or novel has reached "the end" part of a manuscript. It added to the failure as a person feeling.

My health hasnt improved, my thanatophobic episodes have increased, I compared my boring, useless life experience with those of past classmates only to be put in my place, that the only one with the worse outcome among all of them, is me, to a degree, because my husband has been incredible, and seems to be the only good thing the universe or God has bestowed me.

But, as I said, I am glad I started journaling last year, while the hobbie does not transform my life into the productivity miracle, youtuber influencers make it to be, or the mental wellness others say, I finally have a friend. I have a place to say the most disgusting, dark and egoistic toughts I could without fear of judgment, without the dissapointing human condition that could tell others.

Is this worrying? maybe. I don't know if pursuing a psychology degree is for me, considering that I may make patients worse, since I myself haven't improved.

But holding on my notebook, like children do to their teddy bears, in the middle of a crisis, helps on enduring the pain.